It’s fascinating and agonizing to a degree how things change so quickly. Life is a sea that always thrashes waves of transition and alteration and looking on the positive side- growth. I worked today: Fussed with printing labels. Sent out a mass mailer. Cleaned. Organized. Ran errands. Made phone calls. Sent emails. I came home in the dark due to the falling back of time. I walked into the house dropped my backpack of bricks and annoyingly over-noisy handbag. Oh yeah, and dropped myself on the floor too.
I came to the solution that I was just going to go for a run. I need to get my physical fitness on anyways. So I stretched, prepared, grabbed my ipod and stepped outside into the brisk NY weather. As I walked down the block with one of my headphones nestled in my ear I observed the silence of the neighborhood and how eerily alone I finally was. Then something in me just pushed me to run. Mind you I have been out of my routine of running for months. The more I ran- I just ran harder. And faster. I just kept running. With each foot that pounded the ground I couldn’t help but bang my frustration out on the next stomp. The street lights whisked by rapidly and in a vulnerable moment- I just cried. I ran and cried. I ran till I was exhausted and till there was no fuel left. It was then that I comprehended I wasn’t running to feel good or fit or to prepare for a 5k (long story), I was running because I just wanted to feel free. To feel completely light. Becuase there is an entanglement inside of me that has not been tediously picked through and released yet. As much as I do or like to think I confront problems face on right away, there are times when I just want to run. I just want to runaway. Finally I stopped near a massive overflowing oak tree and threw my head back and just let it happen. Allowed myself to be undone.
I eventually got back to my house (gesh, which was a far walk) but didn’t go inside. I just collapsed on the lawn. The grass was cold and I just laid there and looked at the stars. For the first time in a long time I was utterly overwhelmed by the effect of how small I am. How massive God is. It felt good to just stop, to come to the end of myself again.
I started reading Isaiah 42 and clutched time to refocus my thoughts on what really matters. Sometimes we get lost in our circumstances because we take our eyes off of what truly matters- Christ. As I read I couldn’t help but consciously realize the amazing God that I worship. I mean truly, I cannot and will never fully wrap my mind around it. I worshipped because the Jesus of the Old Testament is the Jesus I worship today. I looked at the stars and just stared in awe because the God I serve today created the heavens and stretched them far and spread this crazy, unfathomable backdrop across the earth. The same God that gives breath to every human being on the planet and spirit to those who walk on it.
It was that moment that can’t be fabricated. The intimate moments spent when you are able to enjoy and recognize God just for who He is in reverence, without my complaints or problems or “me” status.
“Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I declare; Before they spring forth I tell you of them”
“Hindsight has 20/20 vision”
Have you ever heard that expression before?
The idea of scrutinizing and panning over your past decisions, successes, mistakes because well, now that all is done and solidified in the past, you finally see everything… for what it is- good and bad. Living day-to-day by this expression will only leave you inhibited and caged- Which leads me to this: I need to allow scripture to reframe who God has created me to be, how God sees others, and life’s circumstances in general. It is when I reframe these three categories by what I think is appropriate that I start to ruin the work of art; I throw things out of proportion, I measure wrong and come short or overcompensate, I emphasize on the wrong piece out of the composition, or strengthen a color that is not meant to dominate. It is the same thing when I try to figure things out on my own in my own time.
I can’t take hold of the future, of this new thing, this new season and let God just be God when I keep shuffling through the “whys” of the past. So why? Why do I share my current process of cultivation? Because at some point or another we need a reality check.
Ever read Exodus 38:8? After Moses led a massive group of Jews out of Egypt, the plan was to build the tabernacle. As an act of serving some of the women offered and gave up their bronze mirrors to structure up the laver to be used within the tabernacle. They gave up their right to look upon themselves for the purpose of God, so they could look upon Him instead. What once reflected the beauty of a woman now reflected the fire of sacrifice.
Sometimes I find myself and my image getting in the way and conflicting with the destiny that God has for me. It keeps me from serving to my maximum capacity, reflecting upon God and his perfect will for my life, and embracing my full redemptive potential. If we could just stop gazing at ourselves, our past, our current circumstances and give up our mirrors to reflect and reframe our perspective to Christ- that’s when God moves in the most creative and unexpected ways.
God has new things for my life. God has new things for your life too. Things that have not existed before. That is crazily, amazing when you really think about it! God has new things that have not been done in a particular way before. Aren’t youuuuu speciallll ;)
Are you willing to give God your mirror- your past- your current- how you view yourself and what you need for your life? So He can do a new thing and you can find renewed purpose in Christ all over again?
Next time you want to go for a run, be careful ;)